6 Tips For Launching A High School Grad – For Expat Parents

Are you living internationally and have a son or daughter off to university, or taking a gap year? This is a normal life stage but has extra weight for the expatriate family.

PraiseHigh school grad is a cycle of mixed emotions – pride, fear, joy, dread, pride… You see your child going through similar emotions as the life they know ends. All that’s familiar is no longer, except the memories held in their hearts and the belongings stuffed in their suitcase.

One of the things that makes it harder for expat parents is hearing just how hard it is for our TCK’s as they adjust back in their passport culture. The experts use words like “excruciating, difficult, profound losses…”

Their journey is a double adjustment – the transition to living life as an independent adult AND adjusting to the ‘new culture’ of their passport country. There’s a season (often long and twisted) of grief, as they experience loss. There’s also excitement as they live new opportunities. A simple question “Where are you from?” can send them into a mind muddled panic! There’s a sense of not fitting in. Feeling like a foreigner. This is all a part of their journey.

The fear we feel as their parents grips our hearts and keeps us awake at night. It’s very real. How can we contribute to their success?

6 Tips for Making the High School to University Transition Successful

1. Set up support systems. As a parent, planning ahead and connecting them with resources they need is crucial. Begin this process early in grade 12. Get them involved – the more they take ownership, the more they’ll continue on their own. Some ideas:

– Read “The Global Nomad’s Guide to University” by Tina Quick. An excellent resource with much information. This will give you shared understanding and language to continue talking when apart.
– Plan for them to spend the summer in their passport country. Getting a job, driver’s license, set up a routine and meeting people will help adaptation prior to their leaving for university.
– Send them to a TCK re-entry camp. What could be better than spending time with other TCK’s learning and preparing for what’s ahead?

o In the US: Barnabas; Interaction International; Narramore Christian Foundation; Godspeed Resources Connection
o Canada: Reboot RebootI teach each summer at Reboot!
o Sweden: MBT
o The UK: Reconnect for Teens

– Other resources:

o Daraja in the US, offers bridge semesters to help the transition across cultures from high school through college.
o Sea Change Mentoring helps guide international teens and young adults in developing into happy and successful adults through mentoring.

2. Speak words from your heart. Parting words of love are best said before the good-byes at the airport.

– Trust your heart. Each of you will want to say different things. Don’t regret not saying them. Be intentional. Some important words are:

Speak The Words of Your Hearto “You don’t have to be strong for us”. As a TCK I felt I needed to be strong for my parents and thus didn’t deal with the grief I felt. I’ve seen this often with the TCK’s I coach.
o “This transition probably won’t be easy. We aren’t going to pretend and you don’t need to either.”
o “Do your best. You’ll make mistakes. That doesn’t mean you’re a mistake. That’s how you learn. We’ll be here no matter what.”
o “Your experiences are what make you different. There is nothing wrong with you and no, you aren’t a misfit.”

– Have a family celebration of affirmation and encouragement – one way to make meaningful memory.
– Be authentic at the airport and keep things light. This scene will be with etched in your mind until you see each other again.

3. Give ongoing support once they are at university.

– Encourage their search for other TCK’s – international students, foreign students, exchange students. They will have a sense of belonging with these who have a similar background. If there’s an “international student orientation” suggest they attend. Mukappa is a support group on US campuses for TCK’s.
– Connect them with a school counselor and if the counselor doesn’t have experience with TCK’s, give them the book “Belonging Everywhere and Nowhere” by Lois Bushong.
– Allow them to lead the relationship, including conversations. Be curious with a few questions rather than exhausting them with too many. Hear stories, not just lists of tasks. Instill laughter! Cut the conversation gently if fear begins to overwhelm you.
– Don’t take silence personally. They have much to adjust to and need to be fully present to their lives, rather than having to meet your expectations. It’s easy as parents to assume things aren’t going well when silence happens. It likely means they are making friends and trying to figure it all out. Connecting around time zones can be a challenge. Texts are a good way to communicate.

4. Redefine your relationship. The relationship will be different now that they don’t live under your roof and you don’t have shared experiences.

Mother and Daughter– Shift skills of parenting to “coach mentorship” (this is already done during the teen years). DON’T MANAGE. Wait for them to ask for your opinion. Be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to frustration or fear.
– Love well, especially during the times you feel disappointed in the choices your child makes. Use words and actions to send the message “There is nothing you can do to make me love you more, and nothing you can do to make me love you less.”
– If you sense they’re struggling, respond in love, don’t react with trying to fix things. Hear their heart. Share your own university stories to relate. Pray with them. Ask them what one thing they can do to help themselves and one resource person they can reach out to. Allow them to feel the natural consequences of their choices, however hard it is.
– Affirm and encourage. The Greek word for encourage means “instill courage”. That’s what your kid needs from you now more than ever!

5. Don’t forget the siblings. This transition is a family affair and each goes through a stage of loss and grief as the relationship becomes long distance.

Siblings– Allow siblings to connect. Prep them as to what can be asked and shared from their lives ahead of time, especially if they are younger. At times they won’t feel like connecting – best to leave it be and try again another time.
– Be attentive to feelings, listening, validating and giving space for whatever comes.
– Think of ways to keep ‘alive’ the child who has left by speaking of them, imagining what they are doing and remembering fond times together.

6. Take care of yourself

– Don’t let your junk spill into their junk! If you’re a TCK, your issues will likely come to the surface. Deeper healing for you as you attend to you.
– Choose perspectives that empower.
– Don’t build monuments to your grief or fear. Have a plan for these emotions.
– Give yourself, your kid and God credit. You’ve spent years building into your child’s life – and have taught them through your example. So much of what you taught will now be given the chance to be applied and lived out. Your young adult is capable – look for surprises along the way. Trust. Touché to all!

Keep your eye on the long term, knowing that time will produce a harvest for what you’ve sowed in the life of your global nomad! Supporting you to live from strength as a family as you make this challenging transition,

Becky Signature 2 (Matchullis-PC's conflicted copy 2014-11-13)

 

 

P.S – What do you have to add to this? Leave a comment below.

Comments

  1. Thank you for the shout out! All of our mentors grew up overseas, too. Sometimes, especially at this age, it is just really helpful to talk to an adult, other than our parents, who really get it. Best of luck to everyone and congrats on moving to the next big stage!

  2. Expat Family Resilience Coach says:

    Yes, Ellen’s Sea Mentoring is a great way to help your kids navigate through this challenging season… ongoing one on one mentoring is powerful!

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